Quick shout-out to the big homie Chris Webber, yes, very relevant 90s NBA player Chris Webber, for the colossal retweet Tuesday night giving last weeks “Irrelevant 90s NBA Player of the Week” post the blessing, as the blog took on absurd readership numbers late that night. Dwayne has been talk at just about every gym, referee changing room and water cooler the last few days, so how’s about we follow last weeks gem with another classic here today. Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Caffey.
As the Chicago-Sun Times ever so righteously reported, “Unless you were a superfan of the Bulls championship run during the 90s or one of eight women who bore any of his 10 children, the name Jason Caffey probably doesn’t ring a bell.” 10 kids. 8 women. Word to Shawn Kemp. Caffey is the latest inductee into the Hall of Fame for Athletes with Illegitimate Children, whose membership already includes the aforementioned Shawn Kemp (7 kids, 6 women), current New York Jet and notorious casanova Antonio Cromartie (9 & 8- in 6 states), boxing great Evander Holyfield (9 & 5), and for jump shots and giggles, though not an athlete, Ray Charles, the legendary (blind) musician holds the HOF record with 12 illegitimate children. Mr. Caffey, you are in elite company.
For the love of John Stamos. I could very easily present to you the picture below and this precursor of a sentence, and you would undoubtedly be over joyously satisfied with this week’s installment of “Irrelevant 90s NBA Player of the Week”. When prompted to write your next biographical essay for class, choose the man himself, proceed to construct a half-assed rush job of a paper, making sure to offer this picture on the cover page. See if you don’t get an ‘A’. Attach this picture in a quick text message to a girlfriend during a mobile argument, and see how quickly a truce is settled. Matter fact, Lonnie Baxter and Isaiah Rider would have never spent a minute up in the pen’ had their defense teams presented flip books to the jury containing only this picture. It is that good. Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Schintzius.
Every week here on The Locker Room, we will take a stroll down memory lane, avoiding charges, and finishing with tomahawk reminiscent sessions of our favorite irrelevant 90s NBA players. So give me your tired, your poor, your Popeye Jones’, your Laurence Funderburkes’, your Dickey Simpkins’, your Žan Tabaks’, as we toast once a week to your mediocrity and your dependable subpar performances, yet in the same breath, we praise you as you were the nobodies a generation of basketball fans like myself grew up on and secretly idolized. Here’s to you gentlemen.